General malaise and fatigue are the two words that would most accurately describe this first week on methotrexate. I had hoped that the side effects would have tapered by today (five days after my shot), and I planned it accordingly, then was stricken down.
My mom is in town to spend some quality time in Bend, Oregon. I am excited to show off this little gem of a place-- so this morning we went to Sparrow bakery where I watched her eat an Ocean Roll (because I can't eat gluten); then to Lowes to run an errand; and we topped off our outing with a short walk at Shevlin Park. I was slowly loosing steam and fading, but I figured a long nap would get me back in shape so I could attend a much anticipated yoga party. Instead, I spent the rest of the day on the couch in my "sick" pajamas and disappointed as a small kid not allowed to go to their friends birthday party.
Last weekend was emotionally hard because I knew the call from my doctor was not a good omen. I cried like a broken faucet Monday morning in the doctors office with the news. Often I am ok and able to joke about everything. Then there are moments, I get waves of sadness as I would like to be a healthy, outgoing, energetic yoga teacher, or be pregnant, or some combination thereof. I don't want to be slowly poisoning my body, making it a sterile ground-- it's such a 180 turn from what I have been preparing for in the last year.
I don't really know how to gauge what to do or what not to do; how I should be taking care or exerting myself; if I am being lazy or precautionary. Please bear with me while I figure it out in the midst of an occasional emotional meltdown. Tomorrow, I may be chipper, but right now I am feeling a weight in 5-7 more weeks of treatment.
I have had an irregularly regular relationship with the quiet side of my yoga practice over the past twelve years, it has ebbed and flowed. I am now moving towards a committed devotion to: meditation, mantra; pranayama; and rekindling a relationship with books by Ethan Nichtern, Pema Chodron, Osho, The Dharma Punx and Sharon Salzberg to make sense of it all, or figure out how to surrender. Yoga nidra and yin practices are becoming my daily companions.
I am buoyed by the stories that are being told in the wake of my first post. I am learning more about many friendships; feeling support from different, yet similar situations; I am grateful for everyone who is reaching out. There are so few insightful resources that I have found online, so please let me know if you recommend any articles, podcasts or conversations.